Loss

There are times when something happens and there aren’t words for the feeling. When a friend has lost a baby is one of those times.

She has been trying for several years to have a child. This past year she has been through most fertilization techniques and she finally became pregnant. However, it was not meant to be. She lost the baby this week.

What can a man say in a time like this? I cannot possibly say I know how she feels, as I do not. I know if it were my child I would indeed feel a great loss, and it would be very hard to handle. But, I cannot imagine the perspective is the same for a man as it is for a woman.

She is a strong believer in Christ, and believes God surely will meet her prayers in his time. She understands this, but that does not ease her pain either. I can say all the nice words, I can express to her I feel sad for her loss, and I feel her hurt, as I do feel her hurt, but I can not feel it the same as she does, and worst of all I can not take the pain away from her.

Her husband is just as devastated as she is; they are both in prayer this week. Having been through the fertilization route myself, I know how painful the whole experience is. How your hopes are lifted so high then dashed so low. I know the pain of seeing a fetus then suddenly it is gone. Asking the questions, can we do this again, how can we handle another roller coaster ride?

This I do understand, but it still doesn’t not make me understand her pain, her loss. I know how mine felt and how it made me feel, and all I can do is listen to her when she cries. She cried last night and I could but helplessly listen to her. I told her God is listening and he will grant her prayer in time, she needs to be patient. I feel some guilt, as I have a child now, and she does not as yet. She knows I went through the same ride, but it is still hard.

Times like this we wonder if we are doing the right thing, if we aren’t trying to make something happen that isn’t meant to happen, maybe we are forcing the issue. I cannot say that to her though it would not lessen the pain and the loss.

All I can do now is be there and listen, and lend an ear and a heart.

Out of the loop

This week I am a bit under the weather and out of the loop so to speak. Nasty little eye infection called Irritis. Before hitting the link be warned the images aren’t pretty!

This thing has been plaguing me all of my adult life, and now that they think it is simply a symptom of something else, then I hope the Doc gets to the bottom of it. Iritis is no picnic, painful, and not to mention people look at you like you have leprosy or something when they see the eye.

So I am wearing my prescription sun glasses to prevent too much light hitting the eye as well as to keep people from looking at the eye and cringing.

Learning the hard way.

Once and as I recall only once in my lifetime to this point, did I make such a mistake.

The discomfort and the awkwardness was so severe to this day when I think of it I cringe. What I refer to is a social fax paw that a man will find hard to overcome but inevitably may face.

Having started a new job, the CIO took me around to the various facilities I would be supporting. He introduced me to the staff at each facility that I would be directly interacting with. We arrived at the last facility and he took me to her office.

She was standing when we entered but proceeded to sit after proper introductions. As she sat, she placed her hand on the side of her lower back and then sat down stiffly. Well, being that my wife was currently pregnant, I saw this movement from her, and knew it was surely how a pregnant woman sat.

The words left my lips, “Oh, how far along are you” and her response, “how far along am I what”? There is no backpedaling that can allow one to recover form this. No amount of mumbling or profuse apologies can redeem one.

After leaving the facility the CIO informed me that, that very woman sued him in his first week at the company for sexual harassment. After an investigation it was learned she did this only because another employee who thought he was going get that position enticed her to so so as to get him fired hoping the employee would then get that job. The other employee was subsequently fired for his action, but she was not. She was given a letter of reprimand in her file for filing a false claim.

So, I was expecting serious repercussion form this encounter. None came, but the fear held by my making this mistake again remains strong. Not of being sued, but of making the mistake in assuming a woman is pregnant when she is not.

This comes up because I was introduced to a woman who again I assumed was with child, but bit so hard on my lip it bled the other day. I was not going to say anything unless someone let it be know first. As it turned out she is, but the fear form my first experience caused me to stay silent.

So, when is it appropriate to infer a woman is carrying and when is not. Is it even any of my business? I suppose not, and the rule I follow now is that unless someone specifically informs me, I will not bring it up.

As a man, where do we stand regarding this? Woman seem to have some sort of automatic right to openly discuss, but if a man interjects with any sort of comment he is treating with a curt smile, and a look that says, “yes very nice now shove off will you”.

There has to be some sort of rule about how to act in these situations.

Very disturbing.

This year as we made the decision what school to send our little tyke to, scandal breaks out yet again. http://www.capitalnews9.com/content/search/?LookFor=1&SearchPage
=1&SearchType=Articles&Operation=Search&when=1%2F1%2F1900&searchterm
=cba&submit=Search

Looking at why we made the decision to send our boy to a private School, it is not that simple. Quality of education I suppose would be the main motivation. No, not I suppose, it is in fact the sole factor in deciding.

This post is not intended to throw about Sandra Geisel’s name or speak of her situation, you can read about that yourself in the news columns. Christian Brothers Academy was one of the Schools we were looking at but quickly dismissed it. Two reasons, but first and foremost was that they do not have a Pre-K. Not sure, but I think they start around Junior High age. SO we could not even consider them.

The second deciding factor was a bit more complicated. We didn’t want him in a military school, not that we are against it, as I have many years in military, but that his personality does not seem to fit that format.

Part of the other reasons are more basic I suppose. We know several men who are adults with families of their own now, who are CBA graduates. I am not impressed with either of them. Yes, they have a fine family and thy make an OK, living, but they don’t seem to show any special qualities that would lead me to believe that the education they received there is better than any other education.

One, as a matter of fact is an Attorney now, not a good Attorney average, with not so high ambitions. How I know this is we were once on the road to a friendship, then something odd happened. This was pre baby days for us. He worked with my wife’s company, and was a salesperson while going to Law School.

He met this woman, and they would come over to the house and we all have dinner and do the things people do when building a friendship. One day his now fiancé turns up in the news. She was a teacher, but not CBA, it was a local Catholic High School. You can guess, yes, she was arrested for the same thing Geisel is being accused of. She would drive the boys across the state on sport’s trips or something and seems when they had to get a Hotel, well, she thought one bed in the room was enough.

She spent a year I think in jail, and had her teaching license revoked.

So, now that the decision has been made to send our boy to a private School to get a solid education, I am mixed about the sexual misconduct case cropping up. The very School he will be attending is a small Christian School, and two years ago had their own sex scandal. A male senior member was messing with the young children there, I don’t know the details all is hush hush about it, when I pressed the School, they didn’t go into it. Their statement is that that faculty member has been removed. Was he arrested, jailed, I wanted know, but no one had any answers.

Sadly we can not know who is a sexual predator. They don’t wear a sign on them saying they are, and in most cases they turn out to be the person next door, or a trusted friend or colegue or trusted community member. They work themselves into these trusted positions in order to gain access to their intended target.

We as parents and community members have to be vigilant and on gard and look for the signs. It is a terrible thing that we cannot simply trust everyone who attends to our children. There are no assurances, that the people with whom we leave our children with daily don’t have an agenda.

I would home School if that were an option. Our children grow up too fast as it is. For them to be cheated out of those precious years, is a crime, and the only way we can prevent those crimes is as parents to be ever vigilant.

Not to get me wrong.

Ok, something about what I aim to get from this site. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to come across as some sort of brute here, and if you see it that way then you are not looking closely enough.

What I am saying here is that men simply have to stand up and be counted. We seem to have lost something today and believe it or not women are punishing us for it. How so. Well for starters, we allow ourselves to be belittled in many ways. Look at any of today’s sitcoms or even commercials. Men are portrayed as simpering idiots! Incompetent and incapable.

Lets not confuse things here. In no way am I saying lets step backwards, I like where woman have gone. I like woman in the work place and standing up and being counted. However, if it is at the expense of someone else then it’s not so good.

For instance, my spouse has a powerful job, makes a higher income than I, so I am not saying that that is wrong. I am OK with that. But, does that mean she now opens the car door for me simply because her income is more! No, it does not. Is she better than me, well, that jury is still out, but what I mean to say is that it does not mean one of us can walk over the other.

Yes, I still open her car door, though with the remote control for the car it is easy to simply push the button and let her open the door herself. Same with going out to eat or something, does she enter the restaurant first or does the man. There is etiquette to follow and from what I see around me it is slowly getting lost.

How many men pull her seat out when she sits. how many men stand when lady gets up to powder her nose, or stand when a lady enters late. It simply is not there. Is it a simple matter of convenience today or have we lost something. Don't think I am saying we should be Ozzy and Harriet, we all know that was a myth, and never a reality, I am not saying that.

Basic respect is what I am getting at. A very basic core respect for each others gender. When a woman berates a man and belittles him in public in front of company, the man is left with a feeling of helplessness and it begins the process of him becoming incompetent and self loathing. Agree or disagree no matter it is a fact.

Same for a man. When he talks down to his lady or belittles her in front of company the effect is the same. It is inappropriate and disrespectful at the basic core level. Yet, I see it everyday. I cant go anyplace without seeing this.

I have a lady friend who has been married three times now. Each time she married an independent strong man. They all we self employed making a good living at what they were doing. She is a strong woman with a very solid set of principles and work ethic it is what draws her to this type of man.

Something happens though, and in each marriage her man turned domestic. He left his business to stay at home with the kids, and after a time she despised him for it, and the marriage dissolved.

That is the type of thing I am trying to convey here. Yes in each marriage there has to be a head of household so to speak. Someone has to be dominant and make the decisions daily. Someone has to be the bad guy at times when raising children, and someone has to do the dirty work that a marriage needs to keep it alive.

This can be the man or the woman, it really isn’t important as long as both parties agree. When one is being subverted by the other then it becomes a mess, and someone will leave. It’s why the divorce rate is so high.

There are exceptions; I do have two female acquaintances whom both had their first husbands leave them for another man. Scratch my head over that still. They are both beautiful woman remarried now, but can not see why the man left them for another man. Who knows, were they gay to begin with or did something change. That discussion for another day.

So, men, what I am saying to you is that by all means treat a lady as a lady. No matter what she does or says to you she wants to be treated like a lady, they all do. If you do not they will in time despise you if you don’t They may not know it is why they despise you, but trust me, it is why.

Ladies, same goes for you. Let your man treat you like a lady, it is what a man wants to do. Let him pamper you with affection and gifts, it is his way of saying he loves you. Some men don’t verbalize that well, so they make up for it in little ways. When he opens your door he is saying I love you. When he brings home a gift, as confusing as the gift may be to you, he is saying I love you.

This weeks Pet peeves:

Men who do not open doors for their woman.

Men who drink and blather.

Men who think the earth revolves around them.

Men that allow themselves to be whipped, you know what I mean.

Women who berate their man in public.

Women who “know it all”

Woman who cant drive, yes that was me you gave the finger to again this morning.

Women who turn their man into a whipped man

Alrighty then, lets give this thing a go.