Finding a road

This season of sorrow as I have come to call it, is taking a toll. It’s not like me to dwell on sorrow or let it pull me down.

Perhaps it’s my age, maybe I am mellowing and seeing things differently or feeling my own mortality I suppose. Perhaps it’s a cumulative thing, and I cannot process these things as aptly as I once could.

Last years scare with the Docs, and these deaths seem to be bringing a feeling of my own life to light. Normally I don’t’ dwell, and have the ability to move forward. Hard to explain what I mean to say, not being that literate.

When I talk to friends and acquaintances, they all agree that one day I should write a book. But then everyone can write a book about his or her life, as everyone has a story to tell.

My mind seems to be moving backwards now, instead of forward. I seem to be comparing things I see and experience with things of the past and not with new eyes.

I guess I am looking for the road again, the road that leads me forward, the one I have been on since leaving home as a teen. I have always forged ahead with my own sense of direction and my own lead. When I left home I was like a coiled spring, and shot out of there with such force and momentum I was sure it would never wane.

However the momentum is waning. I believe that is part of the problem, I left with such speed and velocity and wouldn’t look back, that perhaps now I am starting to turn and see what I left behind.

Lately I feel like I am reliving the experiences, the nightmares, the good times, and they seem so real. It is as if I am back there again reliving it again, and the fear of wondering if I am still there or have I moved on so real it paralyzes me at times.

I saw my father three times since leaving, once at a family event I ignored him pretended he wasn’t there, second time, I was driving a freight truck and he was at the loading dock and unloaded my freight, again I pretended I didn’t know him, and the third time when he was dead.

None of those times did I have any feelings toward him at all. Now however I am looking back and trying to see what made me run so fast from home and not stop until now 26 years later. Why now? Have I lost my steam have I lost my way. Will I be able to find my road again that had led me this far?

My walk with God has been growing stronger as each year passes. Can I lean on God, can I trust in that, or should I continue with the tried and proven by leaning on myself. Can God pick me up and carry me, and will I allow that anyway.

Since leaving home I have had only myself to lean on and only myself to trust. But then, letting go of self is THE human struggle isn’t it.

So back to writing a book, maybe it is something I should consider doing in that it may help to understand or process some of the feeling cropping up lately. Maybe its what has to be done in order to continue the drive forward and fall backwards, and perhaps even allow for giving it all over to God.

Some time back I did start a separate blog for just that, but it is not accomplishing what I had hoped, so a book needs some more thought. Is it the right vehicle to get me back on the road again, or just another detour?